Life of a Hermit

Should someone have asked what I want in life, the simple answer would be happiness. There are so many things that I should be grateful for: having born in a complete family with loving parents and a younger brother as a childhood companion, having many caring aunties and uncles with a bunch of wonderful cousins, having a boyfriend who gives me independence, having many close friends, having many nice colleagues and a job that pays me reasonably well without any stress at work. There isn’t really much more I should be asking for.

Abide from the blissful life; I am looking forward to new challenges, to take up new courses and to switch to another job where I could continue to learn. Why do I want to do things that would disrupt the peace? Was it because the reality of life goes by transition and there is nothing permanent in life? We have been taught to make progression and to be responsible for moving forward in our career path. Am I looking for something more, or a breakthrough in the almost monotonous cycle? I couldn’t even detail what I want in life, and my confusion has almost got myself into legal troubles.

I have gotten another job that allows me to do a career switch without any monthly pay adjustment. There needs a lot of courage for the move. Just like a fish moving from a big pond into a small tank. It will take a long time to cope; the work schedule will be longer while the overall remuneration package gets smaller. Apart from the finances, the responsibilities are getting greater and it carries a risk of legal complications. Being the only corporate secretary (inexperience) in a firm that provides corporate secretarial service leaves me an uneasy feeling. I believe that I would have had the capability to do the work but I may not have the capacity to carry out the role in the utmost professional manner.

I appreciate the gesture of adjusting the scope to allow me to do a middle career switch. Initially I have given a promise that I will take on this new role with this given condition but my intention was wavered on the moment the boss called up to negotiate on the pay package. The new boss was persistent and has agreed to maintain the pay in the condition that I signed the offer letter on the same day evening. I have given an immediate answer without careful consideration.

Even at the doorstep, I am still hesitant as I knew that once I have entered, it would have meant an acceptance. I have not prepared myself for the decision and there is something about my current company that is holding me back – the people. I must admit that I did not handle this matter well, and I cannot bear the thought to disappoint both my new and current boss. It was to rash of me to have signed the appointment letter.

I felt uncomfortable thinking about the question on office politics during the last interview. Was it a hint for me to anticipate the mental challenges? As the new boss has requested to renegotiate the pay but later agreed to remain the same so that I could commit earlier, I knew that this would be an exchange for the future adjustment but I did not expect him to remove all the bonuses as part of the exchange. It was different from what I have been originally told. To top it off, there is a 2 months notice period for exiting, which I felt is unfair for a non-managerial role with a pay as such. I shouldn't have rushed to sign a letter just because I do not want to be late for class.

My indecisiveness to stick on the new decision has caused me to lose sleep for two nights. Eventually I had to request to withdraw the offer, which I know will cause more distress and inconvenience to the new company. The new boss promised to teach me every single thing about this role; a seventy-year-old man wouldn’t lie to me. If only I am willing to work hard in a small firm, even though the pay is lesser, but I could learn the world.

I had been to the temple to pray for guidance and had drawn a lot. It says that I should stay the same for the moment and not to expose myself to the risks. I shall obediently follow the instructions since it coincides with my gut feelings. I have been given a better learning opportunities and a wider exposure, but I know that I am not good enough to deserve this chance. I am not capable for a greater role, as I may not be diligent enough to be the guidance for legal compliance. Like a hermit adhering to peace and solitude, hiding from the outside storm. Although I might have escaped from the unnecessary trouble this round, but I am still sitting on the perch, trapped in a chasm. I wished to stick to the comfort feeling like glue, but the good feeling actually harm if I refused to grow while the world is running.